Girl Crush
Carmel, CA
Admiration is easy, but emulation is hard.
A quick survey of social media reveals hundreds if not thousands of fan accounts for innumerable intelligent, beautiful, and famous women. I have spent more hours than I care to admit scouring the depth of Pinterest and Google to absorb as much as I could about famous women I admire. My list of girl crushes is lengthy, ranging from Amal Clooney to Emma Watson to Michelle Obama, with my most recent girl crush being the indomitable Meghan Markle, the Duchess of Sussex.
Everything from Meghan Markle’s success to her sense of style drew me in like a moth to a flame. A lifestyle built on clean eating, cardio, yoga, mindfulness, and a healthy dose of fueling your purpose and passions while earning a paycheck was not only an ethos I could get behind, but also one which appeared attainable. I soon found myself adopting some of her widely reported habits like making green juice, fueling up with oatmeal in the mornings, and trying hot yoga and Megaformer Pilates.
Truthfully, it worked for a little while. I felt healthier, I felt fitter, and I felt like I was living a low-budget version of this fabulous woman’s life. The realist in me knew that my small one bedroom apartment with yellow kitchen countertops screaming of the 80’s and stovetop burners wrapped in tinfoil to catch the inevitable starchy overflow from overcooking chickpea pasta was not remotely close to the chic, pristine condo Meghan Markle called home in Toronto. And yet, I convinced myself I was elevating my lifestyle and pursing a green-juice-fueled vision of fitness.
Sadly, it wasn’t enough to stave off my anxiety, countless sleepless nights, and exhaustion from avoiding the realization that I believed I was hurting people through my job providing pricing and market access consultancy services to pharmaceutical companies. I was avoiding approaching this crossroads, making the path to my ultimate decisions artificially longer by stopping to peer through overgrown bushes obscuring paths I subconsciously sealed off months earlier. And so I pressed on, grinding leaves into green juice, mixing almond milk with chia seeds every Sunday, and hopping on a stationary bike in an effort to spin myself farther away from the truth lurking beneath the surface: I was unfulfilled and I did not know how to fix it.
I sought a new job which I thought would be fulfilling enough, but soon found my anxiety still in free-fall and was forced to admit I was no happier than when I was setting sky-high prices for life-saving drugs. Today, I find myself over six months into a new job which I started remotely and, due to COVID-19, will likely remain remote for the foreseeable future. The unprecedented amount of time I have had alone with my thoughts drove me to one obvious yet unexplored realization. By seeking to imitate the lifestyle and fashion of women like Amal Clooney and Meghan Markle, I was pursuing a proxy for what I really wanted: trying to attain their professional success and humanitarian impact. For me, this blog is an authentically enriching steppingstone in deciding how to make a tangible impact in this world and finding who I am meant to be. As I have come to realize, admiration is easy, and imitation can be hollow. Emulation, true and honest efforts to manifest what you want to achieve, is difficult yet the most fulfilling. It is with unprecedented clarity that I can write that this genuine emulation is what I am seeking and will fuel my decisions in the coming years.
The best is yet to come.
Authentically,
Cate